Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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