fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
