im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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