God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
