Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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