you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
