i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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