shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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