Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
