My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
