I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
