the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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