Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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