I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
