Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
