I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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