i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize