It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
