last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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