Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
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