What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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