Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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