You just made me feel so damn special
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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