OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
