remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
