During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
