Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize