If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
