Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize