i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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