They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
