Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if only i could text you this smell
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
