I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
