xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
