just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
