I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
