Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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