They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
