Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
