we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
