I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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