i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
