we're chasing vodka with high fives
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
