someone get that fucking seahorse.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
