When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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