he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
