FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
