i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
