I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
