I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize