he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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