apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
