I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
