his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
