my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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