I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
