just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
