Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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