Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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