Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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