when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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