I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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